Monday, July 26, 2010

In Defense of Subtitles.....

We saw the movie "Inception" last week, it was good. I think. At least that is what I've been told to think, well, at least it made me think. I've been thinking about that movie over and over since I saw it, and if you're a simple man like me, trying to think and have nothing happen is very common. (If you did see the movie and are a little perplexed by what you just saw, luckily for us, there are really smart people who spent all sorts of money going to college only to end up having to explain movies like "Inception" to knuckleheads like me. Here is a very good explanation of what you just saw in the movie "Inception"....)

Here is my main gripe about that movie. They give this major part to this actor Ken Watanabe, a veteran Japanese actor who's been doing it for over 30 years. I'm sure he's a totally hip guy to be around, but the problem here is that THE DUDE CAN BARELY SPEAK ENGLISH!!!!!!! He ends up having this major important exchange with Leonardo DiCaprio at the end of the movie and I couldn't understand A SINGLE WORD OF IT!!!!!!! If you are gonna make a movie where every word matters, every minute detail means something even down to the song that is played over and over again (in French no less) don't you think it would help if you made sure that the actors annunciated their lines instead of mumbling them? I'm sure that somebody on set must have considered this.

Here's my proposal, let's embrace the use of subtitles!! That movie would have been so much better for me if they used subtitles every time Ken Watanabe spoke (Sheeet, they use subtitles every time Dennis Rodman speaks and he's from this country!!). Erin and I use subtitles all the time. We use subtitles for just about all the movies we watch and it works out brilliantly. Have you ever seen the movie "Hustle and Flow"? That movie is a real challenge for people without soul, in fact we didn't get past the first two minutes before I said "WHOA!! I can't understand a single word these people are saying, put on the subtitles..." Presto!! I could now understand the dirty south with no problemo!! What movies like that really need is a "honky translator" like this.....


Another awesome movie to watch with subtitles is "Sexy Beast". Not just because they are speaking with those stupid British accents, but because the script is so damn' good. That and "Trainspotting" two movies that are so much more enjoyable with subtitles because you can actually break through the language barrier.

We should have subtitles with everything, have you ever tried to listen to Shaquille O'Neal talk? here's a little Jamie Foxx impersonation of Shaq daddy, tell me he doesn't need a translator....


The master of all this butchering of the English language would have to be the Godfather of Soul James Brown. For your viewing pleasure..... I present to you....Eddie Murphy!!! (Back when he was funny)


I'm just saying that the world might be an easier place if we all embraced the use of subtitles. I know I won't be seeing the movie "Inception" again until it comes out on DVD so I can have my good friend the subtitle-er there to help me. Try it sometime.

Monday, July 12, 2010

My Poor Wife Had No Idea She Married a Knicks Fan.....

This past month and a half my beautiful wife had to witness an ugly side of me that she hardly knew existed. She had to witness the bizarre David-Banner-like transformation of a loyal, compassionate husband and father into a freakishly obsessed, painfully addicted, self-absorbed nut job known as a Knicks fan.

Ever since we met in 2003, I have been able to suppress my own personal Mr. Hyde from her rather easily. The Knicks were on year 3 or 4 of laying humongous turds in the NBA, and I, being a self-described fair weather fan, found it rather easy to pay little or no attention to their horrible play. Besides, I had devoted much of my late teens through mid twenties having my heart ripped out every spring by the likes of Michael Jordan, Reggie Miller, Pat "the Rat" Riley, and John Starks's abysmal 2 for 18 performance in game 7 of the 1994 NBA Finals. Taking a much needed emotional rest was the perfect remedy, and I also figured it might only take a year or two until they righted the ship and got everything back up and running, and I'd be there for them when they needed me. More importantly, I had a dart team to captain up in Boston and that took up most of my attention from 2003 to 2005 anyway.

Little did I know that the Knicks would manage to keep themselves insignificant for the next 7 years after my wife and I first met. She would sometimes get a hint of how much I secretly enjoyed basketball (like when the Celtics and Lakers met in the 2008 NBA Finals) but she still had no idea how ugly my obsession could get... until now.

It all started in May when that no good low-life LeBron James decided to quit on his team in the middle of a seven game series with the Boston Celtics. At the time I was thrilled because I thought, there is no way he is coming back to Cleveland, that guy just gave up on them, and since it has long been speculated that he always wanted to be in New York this is it!!! He's coming to the Knicks baby!!!! That was how it all started, on a weekday in May, when I knew for sure that LeBron James was not going back to Cleveland and that the only logical choice was to take his "talents" to Madison Square Garden aka "The World's Most Famous Arena." That was when I started talking to my poor wife about the one subject (besides soccer) that she couldn't care less about - basketball.

The entire month of June was like this bizarro countdown to Christmas that my wife had no idea mattered to me so much. She never really grasped how deep my interest/obsession in the Knicks ran. She was starting to get the idea when I started talking about how important the Knicks are to the NBA and how having a contender in New York is good for America and good for the Democrats in this coming mid-term election (why, I have no idea, obsession doesn't make sense, it's just an obsession). She would ask me about what I was thinking about when I would crack this huge Kool-Aid smile and she would say, "Let me guess, LeBron and the Knicks." I can't help it, I've got a one track mind sometimes.

When July 1st finally came, that was when the monster really came out. All I did for eight straight days was watch ESPN, listen to sports talk radio on many different formats (terrestrial radio, satellite radio, and internet podcast radio) and I would go to my new favorite source for everything Knicks, ultimateknicks.com. That website was the one that might get me in the most trouble - I can't stop looking at it, it's like meth for losers. Those 8 days were when my wife really knew something had changed. I would just lay awake at night thinking about what might happen - "Is he coming to New York or what? How could you turn this opportunity down? We're talking about over a billion dollars in endorsements!!!!"

So when the day finally came that Prince James decided to bolt Cleveland and head to the Knicks' hated rival the Miami Heat I felt nothing but empty. How could he do this? Why? Don't you know that nothing is sweeter than winning in New York? I have had a million thoughts about this since it happened and I was going to share (for those who are still reading) a five point power presentation on why LeBron is a chump for doing what he did the way he did it but even as I write this, I'm starting too see my wife's point that this has gone too far. I need to find the antidote to put this Knicks monster back inside the bottle... WAIT!!!! Did I hear that the Knicks might re-hire Isaiah Thomas as General Manager? Honey!!! I love you!!! I'm cured!!!! Hey Honey!!???!!! Honey!???!!!??? ERIN!!!!!!???????????