Monday, September 7, 2009

The Future of Humankind

Hello! Why yes, we have been slacking on the blog. It seems we slightly underestimated the time commitment involved in everyday blogging.... An hour a day doesn't sound that demanding, but once we're done with work and cooking and eating and cleaning up and playing wiffle ball with the dog and spending a few minutes talking - we only have about an hour or two to watch a little Netflix TV before our 9:00 bedtime. And the kid isn't even born yet. We'll consider this blog already broken in for when we have no free time at all and no one will ever hear from us again. (Just kidding dear family!)

Although we decided a while ago that this blog wouldn't be all about baby, there's baby chitchat and there's baby news. And we have baby news... granted it's old news and if you know us at all you've already heard, but once again for posterity's sake: IT'S A BOY!

Because I am just this much of a nerd, I have to point out that the sonographer committed one of my pet peeve errors and labeled our baby's penis "gender," when of course we all know the biological status of baby is the sex while gender is more of a social construct blah blah blah. But certainly the sex is pretty unambiguous... our son gave us the money shot as soon as she went looking down under. I think that Mike and I were both stunned for a moment; obviously there were only two possible outcomes, and yet somehow seeing it with our own eyes was still a slightly surreal moment. Technology is amazing, eh?

Some people still choose to wait to find out the sex of their unborn baby, but we are not such people. I'm not the most patient person in the world; if I could magically time warp to January after our son's arrival, I would. And not just because that would mean skipping the whole beached whale stage of pregnancy and the whole getting a 7 pound baby out of there experience. (And yes, I am adamantly choosing to believe this baby will be average and not the back-shattering size of my husband as a newborn - according to the family horror stories. If you attempt to tell me that I'm probably going to have a big baby, just know that inside my head I'm saying LALALALALALALACAN'THEARYOUUUUUUU!)

And so we have just about four months before we get to meet this little guy in person. What, you don't think his wittle skeleton face is cute? How dare you! Actually, I kid but the ultrasound was incredible, and in fact if you are so inclined you can even watch it online. Baby's first home movie, already a Youtube sensation. Make sure you check out the renal glands, that is totally the best part.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Life's a Beach


It's been nearly three years since Mike & I moved to land-locked Nebraska, and lately, for the very first time, I've started to miss the ocean a little. The #1 thing we heard from all of our friends on the East Coast when we told them we were leaving was "Won't you miss the ocean???" and we always said, "ehhh... I don't think so." And I haven't, really. Houses under $200k have a funny way of dampening nostalgia.

But at last, my inner beach bum has begun to stir a bit. If anything it's surprising it took this long - after all, I grew up on an island. My life practically revolved around the beach in the summer. When I was very young, going to the beach was the main way that my mom and her friends with young children socialized during the warmer months. I have a very early memory of swimming underwater, close to the shore - something I learned to do before I could even properly doggie paddle.

In the 80s we used to go to a beach we called Jetty Beach, in Oak Bluffs, so called because stone jetties bordered it on either side. We went there because it was not as crowded as other parts of the shoreline on Martha's Vineyard - and also because it was in walking distance of a public restroom - needed because in those days, we would spend the entire day at the beach - from just after breakfast until almost dinnertime.

In the 90s, I suddenly realized Jetty Beach was gone. Erosion had chewed away at it until only the boulders along the wall were left, and a thin strip of sand at low tide. As an adolescent I realized that it was uncomfortably close to the ferry - that is, not close enough to be dangerous, but certainly close enough for me to wonder if we had been swimming in diesel fuel. Hmm.

In the late 80s, my dad and uncle bought a boat together, and this took over our summers as our main form of entertainment. We occasionally went tubing, but mostly we loved to take the boat from the harbor near our house, out over the ocean, and into a lagoon where we could park at an uncrowded, quiet stretch of beach to relax and swim. (I will confess that I was mildly terrified of being out in the rough ocean on the boat.)

As a teenager, of course I sadly fell prey to self-conscious desires to be cool and not be seen in a bikini, so my beach attendance fell off somewhat in summer months. But once I could drive, I found that the beach was a great place to indulge in teenage angst, especially in the winter when no one was there. I would often drive to the seaside to park and write embarrassing, tortured diary entries with only the Atlantic Ocean as my witness.

When we lived in Boston, Mike and I rarely made it to the beach, but we did drive down to Nantasket Beach in Hull a few times. On one of our first dates, we went to Nantasket, bought a kite and flew it on the beach, and went for a quick swim in the frigid ocean.


Right before we left Boston forever, we lived for a month in a rental house practically right on the beach in Winthrop (where we later had our wedding). The house was a true bachelor pad, with plastic lawns chairs for interior furniture, but we only had to step out the back door and walk 25 feet up a wooden boardwalk to be on the beach. Winthrop's only flaw is that it's close to Logan Airport, so planes would fly close overhead. At night they were amazing to see. Russell loved going out to beach every evening to play ball and run around (although he never did like swimming).

Now here we are in Nebraska. Nebraska has some rivers (the Missouri, though, is an ugly brown puddle in these parts), and it has man-made lakes. There are a surprising number of beaches local to Omaha, some of them very attractive, but of course nothing really compares to the ocean. I look forward to someday taking our child to Martha's Vineyard to play on the beach - I would hate for my kid to grow up never having seen the ocean (imagine!). Recently I have even become nostalgic enough that when I stop to really remember, I can almost smell that salty air.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Why I Love and Hate Sports So Much.....

This past weekend I, like many people in the world, were glued to our TV set watching what we presumed to be history in the making. I am not talking about the Erin Andrews sex tape. I am talking about a 59 year old Tom Watson almost winning the British Open and becoming the oldest man in the history of golf to do such an achievement.

I sat there Saturday afternoon and Sunday morning watching this remarkable drama play out only to have mine and many, many millions of other people's hearts broken on the 18th and final hole of the championship. This poor guy blew it on the last hole.

Technically, he didn't blow it right then and there. He had an opportunity in a 4 hole playoff to win, but he knows and I know and the world knows, that it was over before the playoff even started.

This is why I love and hate sports. Sports is the one passion play in this world that can suck you in and tear you apart, if you let it. There is no greater joy or pain (that has absolutely no bearing on your existence) than having your favorite team win it all, or blow it big time.

That's the crazy thing about sports too. It really doesn't (and should not) have any bearing on your well being. If it does have a bearing on your well being than chances are you are gambling on it, and in my opinion you are not really a fan if you need to wager money on a game in order to enjoy it.

Why do I have such a healthy opinion on keeping a safe distance from yourself and your favorite team?

Because I am a Knicks fan.

If you are a Knicks fan over the age of 25 than you know all too well about pain and heartache. You, like me, sat there and watched Michael Jordan tear our hopes and dreams apart like no other. If you are a Knicks fan than you know what I'm talking about when I mention "The Dunk" (the highest of highs). Then again you know exactly who I'm talking about when I mention someone going 2 for 18 in game 7 (the lowest of lows). Being a fan of the Knicks is all about heartbreak, I could go on and on about the pain and sorrow that all Knicks fans share.

At what point did I stop letting this game affect me so much? It must have been when Reggie Miller and the Indiana Pacers started embarrassing my beloved Knicks that I said enough is enough. If I let a chump like Reggie "Cheryl" Miller spoil my good mood than what's the point? I knew I had to let go otherwise I would be doomed.

That is why it's better to keep a safe distance from your emotions and your love of sports. It can only lead to a deep rooted pain that can barely be cured. Just ask any Cubs fan.

**** Oh by the way. If you clicked on the Erin Andrews sex tape link hoping that it was the real thing: Thank-you. I have always wanted to "Rick-roll" somebody.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

The war on "Whatever"

Can we talk about something? I need all the people in this world who handle their responsibilities on a daily basis to do me a favor. I'm talking about those of us who pay our bills, pay our taxes, stop at red lights, drive the speed limit, don't litter, say thank-you when someone holds the door open for you, actually hold doors open for people, say excuse me when necessary, take care of your children, show people common courtesy, etc. If that is something you can relate with then I'm talking to you.

The next time you hear somebody who is not being responsible for their actions say "Whatever." I want you to verbally kick their ass. I don't want you to physically kick their ass (that could lead to lawsuits), but I do want you to lay in on them with a tirade like they have never heard before. Basically, I want you to act like this guy (warning EXPLICIT LANGUAGE!!!).

We need to take a stand against this behavior!! We the responsible people in the world need to sort this out once and for all. It's the only chance this country is gonna survive in a global economy.

There are times when I see really stupid behavior go by unchecked because we are forced to say "whatever" to those who live in a "whatever" world. This has been happening far too often and I hold one person responsible for this.

George Lucas.

That's right, Mr. Star Wars himself. You know why I hold him responsible? After he butchered my favorite childhood memories, with those pathetic sequels to Star Wars, his response was basically "whatever." He was like "These movies have made hundreds of millions so all those people couldn't have hated it. If people didn't like it, it wouldn't have done so well"

Hey dude, up yours!! I went to see those crappy movies because I had to. It was like I had no choice - my biological clock would never have forgiven me if I didn't go see pieces those of poo. The original trilogy owned a part of my life for like about 17 years, I had to pay my respects. The prequels were the most anticipated moments of my life.

I figured something out though. We all agree that Empire Strikes Back was the best of the original trilogy right? I mean, if you disagree with me than your opinion on movies is crap anyways so suck it! Did you know that George Lucas didn't even write the screenplay or direct the movie? Granted, he did write the original storyline, but for those of us who have seen it over a hundred times, we all know that the beauty of that movie is the witty dialogue, the amazing action sequences and the depth of character development (not to forget the brilliant score by John Williams). Empire Strikes Back was what made the original trilogy so great.

Instead of George "I ruined Star Wars for everybody" Lucas directing Empire it was Irvin Kershner who directed the film and Leigh Brackett who wrote the screenplay. Ain't that something? I mean, this guy Lucas takes all the credit for making my entire winter break in1981 manageable (my sister worked at Cinema East in Nyack, N.Y. at the time and got me into the theatre every day that week, thanks Jen) and yet he hardly had as much to do with making that film so brilliant as he likes to take credit for. What a dick.

So when The Phantom Menace came out in 1999, it was I who stood in line, along with millions of other superfans, waiting with anticipation for what would become the biggest letdown of our lives. That movie was ca ca poo poo pee pee. I could write a manifesto about how much that movie sucked, but we all know what I'm talking about.

The critics agreed with me that this movie was horrible and not just because of Jar Jar Binks (dammit! I promised myself to never speak that name). It was horrible for the poor acting, the crappy story, and the fact that the only cool character (Darth Maul) was in it for like 10 minutes. I blame all of this on one man.

So what does George Lucas do when it's time to make the next two movies? Does he put his enormous ego aside for the greater good? Does he say, "hey, maybe someone else should direct these next two and I'll just focus on special effects and counting my money." No. Instead he says "whatever" and just goes about his way ruining a franchise. Hey, at least he got his money. Doodie-brain.

So if you see someone at work or at home or at the strip club who is not pulling their weight and you call them out for it - if their response is "whatever," I want you to think about all the times "We" the hard working people of America get stepped on. Think about all the times "We" the responsible ones have been screwed by greed and ego and I want you to respond like this .

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

The Gospel of Food

I once read that Americans view food with the kind of passion and imbue it with the kind of higher meaning usually reserved for religion; I think the comment was meant to be disparaging of such an attitude, but when I mentioned it to Mike, we both took a shine to the idea. Now our running joke is that food is our religion, and in fact when we tell our friends on a Saturday afternoon that we're headed to "church," they know we mean Whole Foods.

Three years ago Mike and I decided together to become vegetarians, for ethical reasons. I don't usually talk about the animal rights aspect of this decision, because I feel it tends to annoy more than convert; so suffice to say, we think animals have feelings and we decided not to eat them anymore.

Even if you don't believe that pigs have personalities, there are so many reasons to eat vegetarian, or at least limit your consumption of meat, it's hard for us to understand sometimes why more people don't eat this way.

*It's environmentally friendly. Everyone knows about cow farts and methane gas, but there are many other aspects of meat production that damage the environment, from animal waste to deforestation to the use of petrochemicals. The farm animals that we eat - including cows, pigs, chickens, and even salmon - are fed mainly on corn, because corn is subsidized by the government and corn is cheap and corn is fattening. But corn also takes up a lot of arable land and is grown with a lot of petrochemical fertilizers and pesticides. Here's one crazy true fact: if every American ate the equivalent of three fewer cheeseburgers per week, the positive effect on the environment would be like taking every SUV in the country off the road. Here's another: if everyone on the planet ate the way Americans eat, we would need two and half more planets to sustain that level of meat consumption.

*It's better for your health. Everywhere you look in medical recommendations, you find the same exact nutritional advice: eat whole grains, "good fats" (nuts, seeds, olive oil), lots of produce, and not too much of animal products. Diabetes? Same advice. Heart health? Same advice. Cancer prevention? Same advice. And yet where people usually turn for nutritional advice is either TV fast food commericals or fad diets (eat no carbs! eat no fat! eat this insanely specific combination of carbs and fat!). Most Americans eat way more meat than is necessary or even beneficial to their bodies - you only need the equivalent of 2-3 ounces of lean meat per day, yet the average American eats more like 12 ounces daily. One of my heroes is food writer Michael Pollan, who boils it down to a wonderfully simple maxim: Eat food [meaning real, not processed food], not too much, mostly plants. It is that simple.

(Also, did you know that over 70% of the dioxins - icky toxic chemicals - that end up in the human body get there from food consumption? All the fuss about BPA in water bottles and you could actually do more to reduce your exposure to these pollutants by not eating meat. Dioxins are stored in animal fat, which means every time you eat animals, you consume those chemicals.)

*It's cheaper. This isn't always the easiest argument to make, and certainly there are exceptions. If you are a lower income person who lives in the city, lacks easy access to transportation, and mostly shops at bodegas, no - it's not cheaper, and in fact it would be pretty difficult to be a healthy vegetarian. But for the average middle class person with easy access to supermarkets, you can save a lot of money by dropping meat from your grocery list, or just limiting it to a few meals a week. Staples like rice, beans, raw nuts, potatoes and pasta are some of the most inexpensive things you can buy at the supermarket. Produce can be found at reasonable prices if you buy seasonally (which many people do not). In addition, meat has hidden costs that we don't think about but most certainly do pay for - agricultural subsidies paid for by tax dollars to prop up all that corn-based animal feed, and health costs and insurance premiums that come from chronic diseases caused partly by poor nutrition, like diabetes and heart disease.

*It's delicious and easy to stick to. This is not a diet. Mike and I have both lost weight since we stopped eating meat and started eating better (real) foods, but it hasn't been something we've had to go out of our way to do. Initially, yes, we had to do a little research and learn how to make & eat meals that were not centered around meat, as most American meals are. But once you make the mental switch, it's not that challenging, you don't really miss meat, and the food is delicious. One thing that Mike and I have in common is that we love food. We never would have been able to stay with a "diet" that wasn't full of tasty, enjoyable food, or that forced us to nibble on grass while our stomachs growled. But, surprisingly (even to me), going vegetarian has been one of the easiest things we've ever done.

It's never too late to try something new, and no one says you have to go whole hog (as it were) and cut all meat consumption tomorrow. But try eating one more vegetarian meal per week and see how that goes. Then maybe try two. Three and we get all the metaphorical SUVs off the road and you might start to lose some pounds too. If you hate it, forget it. But chances are it won't be as hard as you might think, and who knows, you might even like it.

Monday, July 13, 2009

The Day I Learned What the Word Minority Meant...

Always in life there are lessons to be learned. Don't lick a frozen pole (it will rip your taste buds off) or don't wait till the very last moment to throw a firecracker (it's not a jumping jack) or especially don't leave the dirty movie tape in the VCR (that one may cause embarrassment/explanation). This is a story about learning the full meaning of abbreviated words.

It was the winter of '87 and I was a chubby 7th grader who was way ahead of his time. I was one of only four fat kids in the entire school. My parents were really into feeding me fast food, much like a lot of parents I see today. I was on a high fructose corn syrup diet. I guess I was some sort of bizarre trendsetter in a terrible kind of way now because there are way more fat kids than ever before (at least out here in Nebraska).

The principal had gotten on the loud speaker to announce that those students who would be interested in attending the "Mino-Expo" need to get permission slips from the guidance counselor. He explained that students would be going to SUNY Purchase (SUNY stands for State University of New York, and Purchase is this town in Westchester) and spending a Saturday learning about all the amenities that college has to offer.

I was a bit of an outcast back then and the only way I made people like me was by doing the "truffle shuffle" (if you don't know what that is, than click here ). I was always looking at the bright side though, and I knew that I wasn't always going to be an awkward teenager who had to humiliate himself in order to make friends. I could become a drunk fratboy who could humiliate himself for laughs!

I remember approaching the guidance counselor at school in order to ask for a permission slip (just to make the story more interesting click here if you are from New York and want to see who the guidance counselor reminded me of - CAUTION!!! there is an expletive that follows this link- hide the kiddies). She did this double take like I had asked her for her phone number or something, but she gave gave me a permission slip anyway.

On the day of the "Mino-Expo '87" I remember being so thrilled. "I'm gonna go to college someday, I'm not gonna be such a loser, these fellow students of mine can SUCK - IT!!!" That was my mind-set - I felt unbeatable.

I had noticed that none of the students that I semi-knew were going to the "Mino-Expo." I have to admit I was a tad bit disappointed that my fellow classmates had not given any consideration towards their college futures. Too bad losers.

When I got on the bus to go to the college I had given no thought to the fact that I was the only white kid on the bus. The town I grew up in had a fairly mixed racial demographic so it really wasn't too surprising for me to be "in the minority" (a term I had never heard of until about an hour later).

When we got into the auditorium it suddenly occured to me that something was not right. I quickly grabbed my seat in this theatre of close to 5,000 people thinking "what the hell is going on here?" It wasn't until the first speaker of the program gave a speech about helping African Americans and other minorities get a head start towards a college diploma that I knew I had made a terrible error. I remember slinking into my chair and literally trying to cover my white neck and dirty blonde hair into my winter jacket so people behind me might not recognize me, but to no avail.

The rest of the day I once again became an outcast, a role I was all too familiar with. I do remember seeing one other white guy that day, but at least he had brown eyes, unlike me the blue-eyed devil that I am.

When we got home sometime after 6 o'clock my sister Jen picked me up from the school. She wanted to know how my day went and did I like it. I remember so vividly our conversation. I said "I didn't know that 'mino' meant black people? Mino is short for minority?" She just giggled and said "Well, I guess today, YOU were the minority."

Badum-bum!!

Oops!

I forgot Saturday was my blogging day. I do apologize; the baby ate my brain.