The day finally came for me to get my shit together. I was ready to make Erin an honest woman and I knew I had to get something going for me that would keep this little birdie around. While I was driving back from a Human family get-together I saw a sign on the back of a trailer saying we will train yo' ass and what not. I decided this was it.
Signing up for truck driving school was rather easy - basically they will take any A-hole's money. No S.A.T.'s for me (whew). The only catch is, in order for you to get a government loan, you have to take a 5 month course. 10 weeks in a classroom, and 10 weeks training in "the yard."
Remember those kids in school who had only one teacher and never switched out or interacted with the other kids? They were just stuck in that one classroom with nowhere to go? Well, those who didn't end up in the army or prison went to truck driving school. This class was like a really UN-clever knock-off of "Welcome back Kotter" and everybody was a comedian. The classroom was chaos, guys walking in and out as they pleased, openly cheating on tests, and just chit-chatting away without a care in the world. On top of that, there was this weird prison atmosphere where one wise comment to the wrong guy could lead to a shiv in your plumbing. It was a little stressful to say the least. I did learn quickly that if you mention "lot lizards" you were guaranteed a raucous ovation ("lot lizards" are truck stop hookers, and never in my life have I heard a more accurate description - those girls are pretty gross, but then again, so is their clientele.)
After my ten weeks were up in "class" I got to go to "the yard." The yard is where you learn all the backing maneuvers that are gonna be on your test. Backing that thing up is a lot harder than it looks, I mean, you have to freaking parallel park that thing!!!! That shit ain't easy. On top of that, you're battling 20 guys to get into the truck just to practice. You end up savoring those moments inside the truck because there are so many guys waiting to boot you out. It goes back to that prison mentality, you have to be ready to throw down in order to protect your turf. I almost got into it one day with some guy I'd never seen in the yard before. This guy thought he was gonna take away my practice time without getting permission from the head of the yard to be there? Hell no. I was ready to get my ass kicked (and I would have too, just ask anyone who's seen me fight).
The time finally came for me to take my test. Talk about pressure. Here you have a State Trooper as your test taker. This guy wants nothing more than to fail you because, I don't know if you know this, but all State Troopers in all 50 states hate truck drivers, it's kind of like the way dogs hate cars - it's just an inherent reaction. Of course I, like 90% of the guys who take this test, failed. Sorry, I can't blind-side parallel park that thing every time I try. Sometimes I need more than 3 tries. My bad. Luckily for me, that was the only part of the test I failed. Other guys just completely blow it, I'm talking about the easy stuff like straight backing and shit. I had to come back a few weeks later and re-take that one part of the test again (which I passed). I also had to take the cop out for a ride and show him I wasn't gonna hurt anyone, which I haven't yet (knock on wood).
So you see kids, dreams do come true. That is, if you set the bar just low enough to hurdle it.
1 comments:
49 states, me, a maniac epileptic dog, a dodge aries k station wagon that shattered my father second marriage...and all the while, i only now realize, i should've taken the 10-week course (and risked the shank, as i have many times hence) and cashed in on my forced rebellion. humans are always right.
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